The Top 7 Video Game Monkeys

Monkeys are important.

Perhaps it’s because I finished Westworld and watched War For the Planet of the Apes in the same weekend, but I can’t stop thinking about our race’s eventual demise. We can’t be the top of the food chain forever. And while I do believe in aliens, I think that a robotic or monkey-based uprising is far more likely from a statistical standpoint, and also something I’m more likely to see in my lifetime.

With all that in mind, I’d like to give a quick shout out to the species by highlighting some of their important figureheads within the realm of gaming. I’m on your side. Please don’t enslave me.

#7 - Specter (Ape Escape Series)

While he gets points for being a minority (albino) he also loses points for dressing like an anime character.

#6 - Monkey (Timesplitters Series)

He shoots. He dresses up. He has an eerily-posed mouth that’s constantly open. What’s not to like? Toss him some Tommy guns.

#5 - AiAi (Super Monkey Ball Series)

While he puts up a smiling and happy facade we all know he’s crumbling on the inside, constantly crushed by the fact that he’ll never emerge from the glass prison that encases him. He’s living in hell.

#4 - Gorilla Grodd (Injustice 2)

Man, this dude’s smart as hell. Plus he’s on TV. Good taste in headwear.

#3 - King Kong (Peter Jackson’s King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie)

He tall. He’s dark. He’s Handsome. He’s in love with Nicki Kids, and he’s not afraid to kill a few dinosaurs to protect her (can you blame him?)

#2 - Winston (Overwatch)

Man, he smart too. Maybe smarter than Gorilla Grodd? Will need to do more research on character battle message boards. Points in favor: has nice reading glass frames, is friends with a lesbian, uses renewable weaponry, very progressive.

#1 - Donkey Kong (Everything)

He has bars. We all know that. He’ll take your girl, toss barrels at you, and then go kart with you years later like it’s nbd. He just doesn’t give a care. He popularized Jimmy Neutron hair (thank you) and isn’t afraid to stunt on hoes by dressing up a little. A true catch. Iconic. Historical. Monkey.

My 10 Favorite Christmas Songs

I love Christmas.

It’s the only time of year when the whole world changes and society becomes consumed with its own traditions. The movies, the food, the music, the lights, everything shifts towards warmth. I’m already a nostalgic person, but December is the only time of the year where it’s socially acceptable to become lost in tradition.

It’s the darkest, coldest, most forgiving time of the year. The only way we can survive it is by literally coming together to use each other for heat and support. In a way, these traditions are just a way for us to make this time of the year less painful. To distract ourselves from the horrifying coldness of reality. Maybe that’s why these traditions seem so extra special and warm, just by sheer context and juxtaposition of what they’re surrounded by.

As per usual, music lies at the center of nostalgia for me. For many people, Christmas music is something to be endured. Songs they’ve heard hundreds (or thousands) of times before. They evoke flashes of clogged department stores, congested supermarkets, and uncomfortable get-togethers of yesteryear. I get that, but I think there’s also beauty in these songs, especially if you’re willing to dig deeper than the usual Christmas standards.

Spotify Playlist Link

10) Julian Casablancas “I Wish it was Christmas Today”

Any time an SNL original get adapted by one of the seminal indie rockers of the 2000’s you know you’re in for a treat. As chronicled here by the AV Club, “I Wish it was Christmas Today” originated as a child-like Casio-laden goof about which, while inexplicable at first, quickly became an SNL tradition. Initially met with polite giggles, the crowd rapidly descends into joyous belly laughter at the sheer absurdity of four grown men this excited about Santa. The child-like lyrics, the unadulterated joy, the sloppiness are all the things that make SNL an institution. Covered in 2009 by The Strokes’ Julian Casablancas, this version begins with a singular shaking bell which quickly becomes drowned out by a maniacal drum roll and thundering guitar. Eventually, Casablancas makes his way to the forefront of the track retaining the same child-like lyrics from the original song. The swagger that Casablancas brings transforms the track into a post-modern, post-ironic, Christmas classic.

9 - LCD Soundsystem “Christmas Will Break Your Heart”

Following a monumental final album and indefinite hiatus, LCD Soundsystem announced their return in 2015 in the weirdest way possible: with a Christmas original. Released on Christmas Eve, “Christmas Will Break Your Heart” served as the band’s first single in five years and a proclamation to indieheads everywhere that LCD was back. The song itself serves as a cautionary tale of the many dark pitfalls of Christmas, detailing the various ways that the season will abuse you, beat you down, and drain you of life. It’s a depressing Christmas song tinged with happiness as James Murphy explains that despite the laundry list of horrible ways Christmas will wreck you, he’s “still coming home.” And that’s what the holidays are all about.

8 - Vulfpeck “Christmas In LA”

Funk band Vulfpeck is known for a lot of things. When they’re not releasing silent albums, conceptual Kickstarter campaigns, or composing some of the catchiest tunes of the past decade, they also release some worryingly funky songs. Initially released as an instrumental track on their breakthrough EP Fugue State, the song “Christmas in LA” felt like a weird outlier. While the track did evoke a certain Peanuts-esque of sense chilliness, there was nothing overtly Christmassy about it. I suppose it’s true to its name, “Christmas in LA” might feel like something, but it’s definitely a far cry from a White Christmas. The track was later revisited on the band’s first full-length album Thrill of the Arts now fleshed-out with jingle bells, and a Michael-Jackson impersonating David T. Walker on vocals. With that revision, the song became a fully-realized Christmas track worthy of all the strutting, swagger, and snarling lips you could humanly muster.

7 - August Burns Red “Carol of the Bells”

On its own, separate from Christmas “Carol of the Bells” is an incredible song. With ominous monk-like chants, ceaseless momentum, and of course, the titular bells. While the song has been covered by everyone from Trans-Siberian Orchestra to the cast of NBC’s Community, I believe the definitive edition was released by metalcore act August Burns Red as a bonus track on the genre’s seminal Messengers. Featuring wickedly-fuzzed out guitars, tight blast beats, and more bass drum than you can shake a crime stick at, this rendition is not for the faint of heart. Later re-recorded for the band’s Christmas album Sleddin’ Hill, “Carol of the Bells” still stands tall as one of the best songs on the album, and the band’s catalog.

6 - Burl Ives “Silver and Gold”

For the sake of following up the thrashy metal of August Burns Red with something more relaxing, this Rudolph the Reindeer standard is an absolute classic. The rich voice of Burl Ives is accompanied by a lightly-strummed guitar and swirling instrumentation as he sings very literally about the concept of silver and gold. Silver and gold on their own are great, but put those on a Christmas tree and they instantly become more meaningful. See also the cover by Sufjan Stevens horrifyingly titled “Justice Delivers Its Death.”

5 - Mariah Carey “All I want for Christmas is You”

Sexy outfits aside, Mariah Carey has cemented herself as a pop icon by single-handedly adding a modern track to the Christmas lexicon. Beginning with a solitary music box, Carey soon enters with sultry vocals and several irresponsibly-vocalized notes. At 50 seconds the piano kicks into Billy-Joel-mode and the song becomes a rocketship of energy, jubilance, and holiday spirit.

4 - Trans Siberian Orchestra “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo”

I’m technically doubling up, but TSO’s medley of  "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and “Carol of the Bells” is epic enough to warrant its own spot on this list. This shred-heavy rendition of two Christmas classics is enough to turn atheists into believers… Or the exact opposite. It’s living proof that Christmas doesn’t need to be safe, clean, or overly-religious. Sometimes it’s a wailing guitar and modern interpretations of classics.

3 - Sufjan Stevens - “Christmas Unicorn”

Sufjan Stevens is a Christmas maniac. Between 2001 and 2011  he released 10 EPs of Christmas music, later collected in two box sets, the EPs span 100 tracks and dozens of different genres and sounds. In addition to the 6 vinyl records, his second Christmas collection included stickers, temporary tattoos, cut-out ornaments, and a lengthy write-up of the artist’s thoughts on the holiday. The releases contain almost as many original tracks as covers of Christmas standards. At the tail end of the tenth EP, the last song of 100, lies a Sufjan original called “Christmas Unicorn”- a world-spanning 12-minute epic of electronic bloops, guitar vibrations, and cathartic lyrics.

The song begins similarly to “Christmas Will Break Your Heart” with a biting list of modern day Holiday gripes. Sung from the perspective of the “Christmas Unicorn” whose identifying features are a wrist adorned with a credit card and being “hysterically American.” After self-describing himself as a “symbol of original sin” Sufjan goes on to address the listener directly:

“For you’re a Christmas unicorn / I have seen you on the beat / You may dress in the human uniform, child /  But I know you’re just like me

Those lines are followed up with a sprawling instrumental and a beautiful build. He then goes on to clarify “I’m the Christmas Unicorn, you’re the Christmas Unicorn too” and repeats that phrase as the music builds into a cathartic release that crescendos with a cry of “It’s all right, I love you!”

2 - Tchaikovsky “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy”

You may or may not be shocked by this, but I’ve never been a “ballet guy.” That said, the soundtrack of the Nutcracker Ballet has always been something that stuck with me. Since I don’t have the vocabulary to properly break down ballet or classical pieces, I’ll simply state my love for this song in an ironic way to cover up my own ignorance: “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy” is FUCKING LIT.

There’s something dark and sinister about this song that’s appealed to me ever since I was a child. I don’t know how the song fits into the context of the play, but I can only imagine something horrifically dark and life-altering is happening as this song plays. It evokes the darkness of the holiday and something deadly lurking just out of sight.

1 - Band Aid “Do they know it’s Christmas”

“Do they know it’s Christmas” premiered in 1984 featuring everyone from U2’s Bono to Wham!’s George Michael… okay maybe that isn’t a vast range, but it’s more about what this song represents. The coordination of artists alone is impressive. The fact that dozens of singers have (repeatedly) signed off on this charitable effort is a beautiful notion. While it’s been covered by everyone from The Barenaked Ladies to the entire LA comedy scene, the track original song has remained the best and cemented itself as a wholesome holiday classic.

Star-studded nature of this song aside, “Do they know it’s Christmas” features some of the most iconic, beautiful, and oddly haunting lines of any Christmas song. Reminding ourselves of how well we have it, and to help out those in need is what this season is really about. The holidays are fun, but there’s still a world out there. Band Aid symbolizes a concerted effort to come together, set egos aside and give back. It’s the ultimate symbol of goodwill and the holiday season wrapped in one of the most poetic and gorgeously-written songs of the past several decades.

My Favorite Albums of 2016

2016 has been an unforgettable year. For art, for politics, for life. There are now so many avenues for music that it’s easy for things to slip through the cracks. I’m still trying to dig through my own mountainous backlog of music, podcasts, movies, and games. In a year of uncertainty, darkness, and constant change, these albums brought bright rays of hope and beauty into my life.

Before I get into my top ten, I’d like to name a few honorable mentions. These are ten albums (in no particular order) that I found incredible, yet didn’t quite make it into my top ten.

• Bon Iver - 22, A Million

• Explosions in The Sky - The Wilderness

• Denzel Curry - Imperial

• Schoolboy Q - Blank Face LP

• Anderson .Paak - Malibu

• Wilco - Schmilco

• Kendrick Lamar - Untitled, Unmastered

• Weezer - Weezer (The White Album)

• Vulfpeck - The Beautiful Game

• Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties - Bittersweet 7”

Obviously, I would recommend these albums (and the following ten) to anyone, but for one reason or another, these ten were all edged out by other releases this year. Now that I’ve named the runner-ups, let’s get into the good stuff, starting with number ten.

10 - Francis and the Lights - Farewell, Starlight!

Francis and the Lights is the project (solo act?) of the futuristically-named Francis Farewell Starlite. After surprising the world with his Bon-Iver-esque feature on Chance The Rapper’s “Summer Friends” earlier in the year, Francis released his debut album Farewell, Starlite! in late September. The album is “fall music” perfected, offering a wide array of spacey, introverted, jagged electronic sounds that all inspire the listener to look inward and absorb the world around them. The record shifts from dancey Michael Jackson impersonations on “I Want You to Shake” to somber reflection on “My City’s Gone” within a matter of minutes. Clocking in at a little over 30 minutes, Farewell, Starlite! is a pointed ode to Peter Gabriel wrapped in a neutral-colored turtleneck.

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9 - M83 - Junk

Anything following M83’s critical darling and ambitious double album Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming was bound to be divisive and over-analyzed. In the face of following up that artistic achievement with their seventh studio album, M83 decided to fully lean into 80’s nostalgia and unbridled cheese. If the space muppets and Play-Doh cheeseburger on the cover weren’t enough indication, this album has its foot firmly planted in two very different realms. After opening with the accessible but veiled “Do It, Try It” the band immediately launches into “Go!” an absolute monster of guitar wankery and anthemic drums.

Several songs later, the record goes fully off kilter with “Moon Crystal” a song that sounds like it was ripped straight out an 80’s NBC interstitial alerting you that a new episode of Alf was up next. Junk as earnest as it is cheesy, it’s genuine about its love for corniness. I appreciate whenever an artist embraces both ends of a spectrum like that, especially following something as “artistic” as Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming.

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8 - Dance Gavin Dance - Mothership

All these years later, there’s still a shell of angry metalcore kid left somewhere in me, and Dance Gavin Dance is living proof of that. After being mostly disappointed with the band’s previous effort Instant Gratification, I took a gamble on Mothership because it happened to release at a time when I had an extra $10 lying around. Their newest record represents a return to the band’s earlier darker sound without losing any of the humor, heaviness, or musicianship they’ve developed over the course of their decade-plus career. In fact, tracks like “Inspire the Liars” and “Man Of The Year” represent new artistic peaks for the band as every member seems to be exploring the bounds of their respective instruments.

Mothership manages to bring the band into interesting new (even catchy) territories while still retaining what made them special in the first place. Tillian’s lung-collapsing scream on “Inspire the Liars” is one of the most impressive things I’ve ever heard in the genre, and single-handedly turned me back into a believer.

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7 - Modern Baseball - Holy Ghost

In a year of bands releasing follow-ups to albums I loved, I was most nervous about Modern Baseball’s Holy Ghost. The band’s previous album You’re Gonna Miss It All was an absolute revelation at the time it released in 2014 and represented an uplifting shift in the somewhat-stale realm of pop-punk. Their newest release may not be as catchy, immediate, or narrative as their last, but upon each listen Holy Ghost slowly reveals more of its layers to you.

Split into two halves between the band’s dual frontmen, Side A addresses death and loss while Side B deals with Brendan Lukens’ ongoing struggle with depression. Heavy stuff for such a relatively upbeat half-hour, but the band manages to pack all that and more within a tight record that is eager to reveal its purpose to those willing to listen.

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6 - Young Thug - Slime Season 3

After being propelled to the forefront of the underground hip-hop scene in 2015 with critical darling Barter 6, nearly 100 Young Thug tracks were leaked and released onto the digital winds of the Internet. The Slime Season series of mixtapes served as a way for Young Thug to (graciously) finalize a majority of those half-finished leaked songs. Slime Season 3 is the final installation in this series and represents the death of this period in Thug’s career.

With 8 tracks stretched over 28 minutes, there was no room for error, no space for filler, and no time to waste. As a result, SS3 represents Thug at his most ferocious, lively, and spry. Hopping onto beats and careening over them like a car without brakes, this tape represents boundless creativity, energy, and excitement as he looked forward to his next phase in music. Slime Season 3 is perhaps the best sample platter of his arsenal of sounds, from his careless screams on “Drippin’” to his tender “Worth It” Thug jumps between different deliveries with ease and elegance. The tape is an absolute blast to listen to, and unfortunately, that’s something that music sometimes forgets to do.

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5 - Angel Olsen - My Woman

My Woman represented a defiant shift away from Angel Olsen’s previous role as an airy female folk guitarist and toward a grounded, psychedelic, indie rocker. Opening with the upbeat and clear “Intern” the album reveals its intention and purpose, then collapses losing all physical strength halfway through. The album’s third song “Shut Up Kiss Me” features a monstrous drum beat and an unwavering Angel Olsen on vocals as every instrument rapidly builds up to its dramatic crescendo. 

By the second half of the record, the party is over and the remaining four tracks have only enough energy left for spaced-out thoughts and introspection. “Sister” and “Woman” are both seven-minute epics with atmospheric builds that offer ruminations on what it means to be a woman in 2016.

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4 - Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book

When I think back on 2016, it’s likely this album is what will first come to mind. Following his 2013 underground hit Acid Rap Chance the Rapper has slowly been building his Rolodex working with everyone from Skrillex to Quavo and honing his skills in the process. In 2015 he swung his weight around and helped release a surprise album for free on iTunes which is an achievement on its own. In early 2016 he dropped one of the most talked-about verses on “Ultralight Beam,” the opening track to Kanye West’s newest record. The gospel-influenced verse represented a symbolic passing of the torch to the new school of Chicago rap and quickly propelled Chance to an entirely new level of mainstream exposure.

After the unparalleled success of his guest feature at the beginning of the year, Chance segued that momentum to his third mixtape Coloring Book. Inspired primarily by the birth of his daughter, Coloring Book goes from bouncy middle finger rap on “No Problem” to relationship woes on “Same Drugs” before turning away from all of that towards his family on “Blessings (Reprise)” Coloring Book represents an uncompromisingly bright, optimistic, and exuberant album in the face of a world that seemingly gets darker every day.

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3 - Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool

Released on Mother’s Day, Radiohead’s first album in 5 years served as a universal gift of beauty and glimmering light to the world. Aided by the Johnny Greenwood’s newfound orchestral skills, this record sees Radiohead revisiting a plethora of previously unreleased gems, now fully-realized and set in stone in a single gorgeous album.

Sonically, the album is vague and formless. It wasn’t until about ten listens that individual tracks even became apparent to me. The album bleeds together in a beautiful and interesting way that makes it feel like one complete piece. It’s one journey that needs every part to work. The individual tracks are still there, but they’re a part of something bigger.

The album’s final song “True Love Waits” is a haunting reflection of love lost, unrequited, and broken. It’s a solitary piece of sadness that the band sends the listener back into the world with. After fifty minutes of foggy, string-laden beauty, it serves as one final reminder that the world is still the world. You can only escape that reality for so long.

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2 - Kanye West - The Life of Pablo

As if there was any doubt after my recent Kanye-exaltation/defense, Kanye West’s controversial The Life of Pablo was a shoe-in for my top 10. Part of the joy of this album came from its rocky release painstakingly depicted here. The communal misery, speculation, uncertainty, coping, and conspiracy theories were a joy to be a part of, and led to some of the most joy-filled moments of my 20-year-long Internet career. More recently, the obsessive fan-created remix The Life of Paul has offered a fresh perspective on the beauty that lies at the album’s core. Even more recently, Kanye’s admission to the hospital following constant touring presents itself as a telling narrative on the media, mental illness, and the creators we hold so dear.

The album itself is a schizophrenic jumbled mess that jumps between dozens of sounds within its jam-packed 20 tracks. It’s a testament to the time we live in, and our scattered perspectives in 2016. Every track on TLOP (including the interludes) has sentimental value for me. Every single one of them. The album single-handedly gave us Desiigner, elevated Chance the Rapper, and spawned one of my favorite memes of the year. Additionally, Kanye’s strategy of “updating” the album after its release sparked discussions on what an “album” is in a streaming world. It’s been a pop cultural gift.

Cultural impact aside, the music is some of the most honest, atmospheric, and self-aware that West has ever made. With topics ranging from prescription drug abuse to the birth of his second child, TLOP is a monument not only to Kanye, but to 2016 as a whole. Upon first listen it doesn’t feel like an album, more of a scattered playlist of tracks that could be put in any order and still work. I’d argue that’s the point. While Kanye’s previous releases have all had specific sounds and “points” to them, TLOP is utterly pointless, and maybe that’s the point.

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1 - Frank Ocean - Blonde

Following a four-year silence and years of delays, Frank Ocean emerged from his undisclosed monastery with a bizarre stair-building social experiment. After finessing his way out of his record deal with that visual album he released Blonde the very next day. It wasn’t what fans were expecting, or wanted, but it’s what they got. Blonde is Frank Ocean’s immortal monument.

Sometimes only offering fragments of ideas in between skits, poetry, and social commentary, Blonde is an album that was meant to last. Every word of this album was planned. Every sound, every keystroke, and off-kilter delivery were meant to be. It’s a finely-crafted piece of beauty, and I can’t think of a single thing that could make it better.

Midway through the album on the unsuspecting track “Self Control” Ocean gradually fades to silence as he repeats “I, I, I, know you gotta leave, leave, leave. Take down some summer time. Give it up just for tonight, night, night” and it’s one of the most beautiful, whole, and perfect things I’ve ever heard put to song.

It’s crazy to say since I honestly wasn’t a fan of channel ORANGE, but I bought into the hype of this album and checked it out in a spur-of-the-moment decision. Upon first listen, the album sort of bleeds together as one amorphous dreamy piece, but upon re-listens, different moments peek out and reveal themselves.

On a personal note, Blonde is inextricably tied to the Summer. As I wrapped up my final ties with school, internships, and countless different safety nets, this album represents the start of my new life. As I listened and re-listened to this album I also devoured Stranger Things (twice) and spent a week endlessly hiking around a riverside loop while on vacation at my personal heaven on earth Sunriver, Oregon. It was a dreamy, other-worldly state, and one that now comes over me every time I press play on this album.

Blonde is a deeply personal album. It’s deeply personal to me, but more importantly, it’s deeply personal to Frank Ocean. It’s an out-of-body experience. It feels like I’m listening to a piece of Frank Ocean’s soul. It feels like a person encased in amber and etched into the grooves of vinyl. It’s absolutely incredible, breathtaking and unlike anything else in 2016.

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