The Top 7 Video Game Monkeys

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Monkeys are important.

Perhaps it’s because I finished Westworld and watched War For the Planet of the Apes in the same weekend, but I can’t stop thinking about our race’s eventual demise. We can’t be the top of the food chain forever. And while I do believe in aliens, I think that a robotic or monkey-based uprising is far more likely from a statistical standpoint, and also something I’m more likely to see in my lifetime.

With all that in mind, I’d like to give a quick shout out to the species by highlighting some of their important figureheads within the realm of gaming. I’m on your side. Please don’t enslave me.

#7 - Specter (Ape Escape Series)

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While he gets points for being a minority (albino) he also loses points for dressing like an anime character.

#6 - Monkey (Timesplitters Series)

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He shoots. He dresses up. He has an eerily-posed mouth that’s constantly open. What’s not to like? Toss him some Tommy guns.

#5 - AiAi (Super Monkey Ball Series)

While he puts up a smiling and happy facade we all know he’s crumbling on the inside, constantly crushed by the fact that he’ll never emerge from the glass prison that encases him. He’s living in hell.

#4 - Gorilla Grodd (Injustice 2)

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Man, this dude’s smart as hell. Plus he’s on TV. Good taste in headwear.

#3 - King Kong (Peter Jackson’s King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie)

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He tall. He’s dark. He’s Handsome. He’s in love with Nicki Kids, and he’s not afraid to kill a few dinosaurs to protect her (can you blame him?)

#2 - Winston (Overwatch)

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Man, he smart too. Maybe smarter than Gorilla Grodd? Will need to do more research on character battle message boards. Points in favor: has nice reading glass frames, is friends with a lesbian, uses renewable weaponry, very progressive.

#1 - Donkey Kong (Everything)

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He has bars. We all know that. He’ll take your girl, toss barrels at you, and then go kart with you years later like it’s nbd. He just doesn’t give a care. He popularized Jimmy Neutron hair (thank you) and isn’t afraid to stunt on hoes by dressing up a little. A true catch. Iconic. Historical. Monkey.