Ogbert the Nerd – What You Want | Album Review
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Self-released
Last summer, I got my first tattoo in my kitchen, stick n’ poked by my boss’s boyfriend. It was a whirlwind decision because, in two weeks, I’d be on a plane to Kansas for the first time since coming out as trans and I needed a sigil to ground me in my identity while surrounded by friends and family who still viewed me as that boy they knew. Across my bicep (a position chosen specifically for its visibility) is Peppermint Patty saying, “I’m not Charlie Brown,” my go-to reply for when my mom would tell me, “You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.” I wanted it to be the first thing she noticed when she picked me up from the airport. A defiant statement that I’m not the little boy she made promise would never change.
Ogbert the Nerd, New Jersey’s only emo band, have finally followed up their masterpiece of a debut, I Don’t Hate You, a record full of songs assuaging others, with a record that is a defiant statement of autonomy. The group’s sophomore album, What You Want, is the sound of accepting that failing others’ expectations is okay if it’s in the pursuit of self-actualization. From “drag around my body just to show that I cared” to “they’re gonna cut my head off for the antlers” and “I knew your life’s a candy apple filled with razor blades, but I’d bite if offered every time,” frontperson Madison James sings with a sense of resignation that the only way to get love is to take your lumps… But the horror of conditional love is that you’re always coming up short.
That feeling is what makes the chorus of “Purple Roses” hit so hard. When James screams, “I’m the patterns on the hallway floors repeating, but I’m always short a tile,” it acts as a reminder that the person you truly are will keep pulling you away from achieving the status others set out for you. I could never be the All-American my parents dreamed of when the girl I’ve always been cowered in the darkest parts of my brain. What finally tipped me over the edge was realizing I was killing myself by living a lie, as James sings on the last line, “‘cause if I killed myself like I wanted to, it’s how you’d remember me.” When I finally came out to my parents, it was because I didn’t want to die without them knowing I wasn’t just a failure of their expectations.
Underneath all these lyrics of conditional love are instrumentals that evoke the feeling of throwing a tantrum with hopes to be seen, even if it means being hated. “Brunson Lied” rushes to collapse into the fretboard-scrambling riffs of “Bike Cops.” The acoustic break on “Purple Roses” is a prelude to the sighing guitar of “Twelve Dollar Snickers.” What makes the centerpiece of the record, the instant classic “Just Like Always,” so fucking beautiful is that it marries the most nostalgic melody and gang vocals with the eggshell-thin illusions of what love means shattering. Since transitioning, anytime my parents tell me they love me or are proud of me, I feel skeptical of who they’re saying it to. Do they like what’s in front of them? Or just how they see me? When What You Want draws to a close on “Dragon Song,” it is with the realization that after all the effort put in to maintain conditional relationships, all of it will crumble. The song fades, and all that is left is yourself.
There’s a famous clip from an Embrace show of Ian Mackaye calling out Thrasher for labeling the Revolution Summer bands as emo-core, saying it’s “the stupidest fucking thing,” describing these bands “as if hardcore wasn’t emotional to begin with.” That may have been an apt complaint for the first wave, but now in the fifth wave, we see emo as distinct from hardcore, punk, and indie rock for how the practitioners of the genre are aiming to create a state of emotional exultation in their audience. I didn’t listen to “Bike Cops” 30 times in a row earlier this year because I was wallowing over feeling unloved by my parents; I stuck it on repeat because the horns sighing in the background of the mix make me feel like I’m resigned to wasting time, but when James screams “please gouge your fucking eyes / so you can see it the way I see it” I feel like I can make it. Each time I’ve heard the song live it is a cathartic surge of joy for being alive.
Ogbert the Nerd can’t make it better, no emo band can, but What You Want can be a guiding star, a reminder to be what you want.
Lillian Weber is a fake librarian in NYC. She writes about gender, music, and other inane thoughts on her substack, all my selves aligned. You can follow her burner account on twitter @Lilymweber.
