Maybe Our Nostalgia is Wrong
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The cool thing about having Last.fm is that you get to see your music listening habits form in real-time. What’s even more remarkable is the longer you have Last.fm, the more history you build about yourself. I’m not even talking about “history” in some platitudinal sense; I’m talking deep lore.
For those unfamiliar, Last.fm is a music-based social media platform that allows its users to record what songs they’re listening to as they’re listening to them. This results in lots of stats like how many times you’ve listened to specific artists, albums, or songs over the course of your account’s history. It also keeps track of what songs you listen to when. And things get specific. I’m talking down to the week specific. I’m talking see-what-you-were-listening-to-at-precise-times-on-certain-days specific.
This means that, through Last.fm, you can see every regrettable phase, every questionable album, and every unfortunate musical decision you’ve ever made. It’s less a social media site and more of a personal catalog. It’s a place to see your listening habits laid bare. In my specific case, that means I have data on basically every song I’ve listened to since my senior year of high school. That means I can look back and see my metalcore phase, my indie rock phase, my hip-hop phase, my emo phase, and even that time I tried to “get into” Bach, all of which are mapped out and available for anyone to dig through. I’m not naming names, but I’m not going to pretend all of that was pure gold.
Thanks to Last.fm, I can flip back in time and see what albums soundtracked my last high school summer. I have the ability to drill down and see exactly what I listened to on my birthday in 2014. I can find out exactly what song I was listening to at 2:15 pm on February 19th, 2018, an unremarkable Monday (it was “Brown Paper Bag” by Migos, in case you were wondering). Last.fm is that specific.
What I don’t need Last.fm for, however, is to help me remember those phases. As detailed above, I’ve spent the last decade-plus listening to everything from A.G. Cook to ZZ Top. I don’t regret any of my musical phases, but I’m not going to pretend all of the music was objectively great. I don’t need a website to tell me I had a metalcore phase, but, luckily(?) it’s all detailed, timestamped, and dated out from April 19th of 2010 onward.
I don’t need Last.fm to know I had a metalcore phase because I remember it quite well all on my own. I also don’t need a website to tell me I listened to copious amounts of shitty screaming white dudes in high school because I have playlists, merch, and articles on this very site that will all tell you the same thing.
I’ll still go to bat for many of the heavily-tatted, swoopy-haired, v-neck-clad music of my youth, but it’s near impossible to separate my nostalgia for that period from the music itself. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Blessthefall is a great band, but what I will say is that “Black Rose Dying” still goes hard as fuck when I listen to it in 2021. Does it go hard because it’s a well-made song, or does it go hard because it takes me back to a pleasant time in my life? That’s impossible for me to say.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that Broadway’s Kingdoms is a genre-defying classic. I’m not going to tell you that Someday Came Suddenly is an innovative, ground-breaking work of high art. I’m definitely not going to say that As If Everything Was Held In Place will be getting a wealth of brand new listeners in 2021. Those albums all have redeeming qualities, but I recognize almost nobody hears those albums as I hear them… and that’s completely understandable.
The other night I was reflecting on my workday while watching an episode of Gilmore Girls and enjoying a cup of sleepytime tea. Over the course of months, this has become a time-honored tradition in my apartment, and I’d say it’s one of the few things keeping me grounded in 2021. As can often happen, someone said or did something in the show that made me think of a song. This phenomenon is liable to happen at any time in my day-to-day, but in this case, it happened to be someone in Gilmore Girls saying the word “Breathless.” That’s a pretty nondescript word, yet, for some reason, hearing it sent a pang shooting to some distant corner of my brain, which unearthed a memory of the song “Breathless” by Asking Alexandria.
See, Last.fm is cool because it can tell me that I’ve listened to “Breathless” by Asking Alexandria precisely 29 times in my life. That song first released on an EP called Life Gone Wild on December 21st of 2010, and I created my Last.fm account eight months earlier in April of the same year. In other words, I have recorded data on every single time I’ve listened to “Breathless,” in this case, all 29 instances. That song is exactly four-minutes and nine seconds long. I’ll save you the math and tell you that 4:09 times 29 is 120 minutes and 35 seconds. One hundred and twenty minutes and thirty-five seconds. That means I’ve spent two hours of my life listening to “Breathless” by Asking Alexandria. Holy shit.
As I threw the song on in 2021, years removed from its context or listening to this kind of music every day, I was struck by just how bland it was. The guitars were punchy, the screams were serviceable, and the breakdowns… existed, but as a 27-year-old, I could not bring myself even close to enjoying it on the same level as I did one decade ago. It’s a fine metalcore song, but I was surprised by how much mediocrity I had allowed my younger self to put up with. More specifically, I was surprised that I’d willingly sought out this mediocrity for over two collective hours of my life.
This two-hour stat on its own is shocking, but what surprised me most in re-listening to the song was just how by-the-numbers blah it was. As the outro played a guttural repetition of “Forget my name / Forget my face,” all I could think to myself was ‘why?’ Why did I do this to myself? Why did I spend so much time with this song and this EP? Why did I not see this as substanceless garbage at the time?
I don’t know what it is about that line in particular that stood out to me, but it just felt so bland and uninspired that it led me to re-evaluate my entire high school metalcore phase. I’ve never been a big “lyrics guy,” and now I can see why. I listened to music like this for braindead caveman riffs, crazy high notes, and Crabcore-inspiring absurdity. I do not listen to metalcore songs for the message. Maybe I’ve tricked myself into thinking that not considering lyrics is the ideal way to listen to music because I always knew the writing was dogshit.
“Breathless” isn’t tied to anything specific. It’s not a song worth mentioning, worth writing about, or even really worth listening to in 2021. It’s a fine metalcore song, but I just don’t have much nostalgia for it. That made me realize that a good majority of my favorite records from 2010s-era Rise Records bands are probably just as lifeless. They’re bolstered almost entirely by nostalgia and nothing more. I think that’s something I knew subconsciously but only recently came to recognize on my own.
Listening to “Breathless” helped me realize how sometimes our nostalgia can be wrong. Memory is a powerful drug, and the haze of far-off happy memories is thick. Not only are those memories are obscured by the distance of time, but they’re also rarely as happy as we make them out to be in our heads. I don’t regret the two hours I’ve spent listening to “Breathless,” I just sometimes wish that time was spent on something better. In another ten years, I’m likely going to look back on what I’m listening to now and find myself again asking, “Why?” but for now, I’ll just try to enjoy the music before the nostalgia solidifies.
