Barely Civil – I'd Say I'm Not Fine | Album Review
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Take This To Heart Records
How are you doing? Like, how are you really doing? This is a question that terrifies me, especially if it’s asked by someone who doesn't just want to make polite chit-chat.
To answer my own question, I’m not doing that great! To be honest, I’m depressed and stressed out. And I’m fully aware of how depression manifests in me: it’s less that I feel like I’m sad and more that I feel so exhausted I can't even be bothered with anything. It’s a lack of hope that things will get better, so I just either cruise or self-destruct. That’s how I’m doing right now, to be real. I’m coasting, mostly, but I want to get better.
Milwaukee emo band Barely Civil is familiar with this reality. Each song on their third LP, I’d Say I’m Not Fine, attempts to answer the question, “How are you doing? Really?”
The sound of the drums is deafening.
I can’t take your questions at this time.
Alive in the sense that I’m not dead.
I think I would say that I’m not fine.
When asked about the lyrical themes, lead singer Connor Erickson said, “We had to, obviously, take a break when everybody else did for COVID. And the sort of pent-up frustration and aggression that came with losing your job, and losing the friendships that you have, and trying to pick up those relationships, virtually over the phone, and then try and figure out how to how to piece those back together, I started to feel like a lot of the people that I cared a lot for sort of stopped caring about me. And not in a way where I’m bitter about it, but in a way where it was just like, wow, this is the reality of the world we live in.”
Staying still now, there’s a bad man,
he’s stealing my wage.
I hope that he dies soon.
How else will I pay back my rent?
I’m taking a long walk, try to cool off,
does that make much sense?
It makes sense to me, my guy! I am also run through with a sense of exhaustion and ennui. I am trying my best, showing up faithfully to the friends around me, and mostly trying hard at work and in my other obligations. But I am tired, man. And almost everybody I know feels this way.
Calm down. Everyone’s got doubts.
Barely Civil is Connor Erickson (vocals, guitar), Eric Doucette (bass, vocals), Alex Larsen (guitar), and Isaac Marquardt (drums).
Let me stop and say that I like Barely Civil a lot. They are the sort of band that I’ve always wanted to be in. They are aggressive, melodic, catchy as hell, and grounded in thoughtful lyrics. I rank Barely Civil with some of my favorite bands who are accomplishing this same level of poetic and musical excellence: Manchester Orchestra, mewithoutYou, Valleyheart, The World Is A Beautiful Place… Speaking of which, TWIABP’s own Chris Teti recorded and produced this record, as well as the band’s last album, 2020's I'll Figure This Out.
Barely Civil are writing about real shit and recording music that sounds so good and fun and heavy and heartfelt. This album makes me ask myself: what do I do with the feeling of “I’m not fine”? Where does it come from? How can I move forward as if my life was a redemptive story?
In my experience, a breakthrough is really only possible on the other side of a breakdown. Wholeness and healing only show themselves to those who are desperate enough to want to see them. Nobody builds an appetite for a better world unless they become thoroughly disgusted with the world as it is.
And there’s plenty to be disgusted at: Working class pain. Cost of living. The feeling of loneliness that results from carrying hurt that’s invisible to others. A society that rewards unkindness. The death of childlike dreams. The pain of showing up for friends that don’t show up for you. The knowledge that you’re being taken advantage of by your bosses, by your landlord, by the system.
There’s a desperation that manifests in anger. Where do you direct it? Smoke another cigarette? Crush another six-pack? Distract yourself again with the television or the computer? Speak unkindly to your loved ones?
Where does relief come from? From which direction? From outside or in? What do you do with the anger in the bottom of your belly that just lives there all the time?
If I could breathe again,
I swear I would breathe again,
I swear I would.
Barely Civil doesn’t totally give us any advice about what to do with all our frustration and disappointment, and that’s appropriate! All my favorite artists ask good questions and don’t put too much pressure on themselves to tie it up with a bow by the last track. But there are hints:
Right now I’m finding out
what it takes to feel let down.
How to take that and swallow it down.
It’s a process, but I digress.
I’m shaping a town of stone.
It’s a new age, a singing bowl.
It’s a belly ache, a cosmic drone.
Wait, there’s that sound again.
The cosmic drone! The ancient sound from before the beginning of the world! The ineffable, the unexplainable, the unknown! Maybe there’s something there.
I’m learning to speak in tongues again.
I’m burning the candle at both ends.
I’m not sure where that breakthrough is coming from, but I, personally, really hope to experience one. It would be nice to feel like I’m in relationships where care is mutual and reciprocated, not just one-sided. It would be nice to be able to comfortably afford rent in the city I live in. Would be sick to feel like I’m able to find some answers to these lingering questions.
If a breakthrough is really on the other side of a breakdown, maybe I’m not actually in a bad spot. Regardless, it would be a nice surprise to be asked, “How are you doing?” and legitimately say, “I’m fine, actually! Things are getting better!”
Ben Sooy lives in Denver, Colorado, where he writes songs and plays guitar with his best friends in the band A Place For Owls.
