Swim Team Summer Bev Check 2026

Beverages are one of life’s simple pleasures. No matter how down bad you are, you can always get a 99¢ Arizona from the store around the corner. No matter how much you wanna bail on the gig tonight, there’s always a sugar-free Red Bull to pick you up and help you power through. There’s champagne to celebrate, whisky to make you woozy, and Gatorade to help you recover from it all. The right drink can make a long shift at work a little less shitty or be the cherry on top of an already perfect day. 

We here at Swim are big fans of hydration in all its forms. I personally keep my 32-oz Nalgene filled and within arm’s reach, basically 80–90% of the time. I keep multiple flavors of seltzer on-deck and in my fridge at all times, and I have needlessly strong opinions on the best flavors of Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar. I’m lucky that most of The Swim Team share similarly strong beliefs and passions about the world of snack and bev, because we gotta talk about something in between complaining about Spotify and trading indie music recommendations back and forth. 

To that end, the illustrious Swim Team has come together to whip up a summer bev check, aka a list of a dozen or so different drink recipes for you to try this season. We’ve paired each drink with a song that you can listen to as you sip for the optimal summer experience. You can find all the songs in this playlist right here. Happy listening and happy sipping, I hope you have a beautiful summer.

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Cigarillo

Illustration by Amanda Deering

I have to shout out my buddy Tim from Pop Music Fever Dream for coming up with the name of this delicious bev. The humble Diet Coke is one of our most versatile beverages, to the point of transcending its status as a beverage—I believe this is why it’s been nicknamed the “fridge cigarette.” Add a bit of grenadine for some sweetness, dirty it up with the tequila of your choice, and you’ve got yourself a cigarillo, my friend. 

Ingredients

• Ice

• 1 oz tequilla 

• Diet Coke (approximately 1 mini-can’s worth)

• A splash of grenadine

• A maraschino cherry, if ya nasty

For best results, pair with “Bartender” by Lana Del Rey (or more likely, the entirety of Norman Fucking Rockwell!)

– Grace Robins-Somerville

In Shirley’s Eyes

I stopped drinking a couple of years ago, and a Shirley Temple has become my drink I look forward to after a hot day in the sun. There is nothing better to sip while enjoying a hazy sunset with friends than this delightful syrupy concoction. 

Ingredients

• Ice

• Ginger ale

• Grenadine 

• As many cherries as you damn well please

For best results, pair with “Out of Step” by Minor Threat.

– Lillian Weber

The Uncle Tupelo

I’ve never been a smoker, but cigarettes legally do not count after four beers… Three if you’re petite. There’s something about bar-hopping in the summertime–feeling the stick of the air as you wade through a cloud of someone’s cigarette smoke on your way into your favorite dive. In four short beers, you’ll have a cloud of your own. A moment best shared with no more than two loved ones.

Ingredients

• 1 whiff of someone smoking a cigarette on the patio as you enter the bar

• 3–4 “Uncle” beers (Beers you see your uncle drink in the garage on Thanksgiving. Depending on your region, this could be Stag, Hamm’s, Old Style, or Lone Star. If necessary, PBR will do)

• 1 Camel Blue (it has to be Camel Blue)

For best results, pair with “Chickamauga” by Uncle Tupelo.

– Caleb Doyle

Aunt Caroline’s Famous Down Home Old Fashioned Style Switchel

Well, gather ‘round y'all, and let Aunt Caroline pour you a nice tall glass of my world-famous switchel. Now, back before all you youngins drank lemonade, this is how us old timers would quench our thirst after bringing in the harvest on a sweltering summer day. I know I’m telling you to drink a beverage that contains a not-insignificant amount of vinegar and molasses, but I swear to god, it's delicious. Your great-aunt Caroline even made this for General Sherman and his men on their way down to Atlanta.

Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

• 4 teaspoons sweetener (Aunt Caroline only uses genuine black strap molasses, but you city folk can use honey, maple syrup, or sugar)

• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger or 1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger

• 1 cup water

Combine all ingredients in a jar or glass and refrigerate for at least two hours, or overnight if possible. Strain if using fresh ginger. Serve over ice. 

For best results, pair with “John Brown’s Body” by Pete Seeger. 

– Caroline Liaupsin

The Dirty Palmer

Illustration by Amanda Deering

I’ve been known to fuck up some mini golf, but I’m not a golfer. If anything, I’m anti-golf; it’s a rich guy sport that monopolizes land, hoards water, and acts as a conduit for the worst people in the world to conduct shady backdoor business deals. All that said, I still have mad respect for Arnold Palmer. He has an impressive list of career accolades, but perhaps his greatest achievement is his signature beverage, a blend of lemonade and iced tea. You can buy it at any convenience store in this great country for 99¢, and that’s beautiful. If you throw a little booze in there, you have a beautiful concoction that pairs with any sunny summer activity, whether you’re day drinking by the pool, lazing in a hammock, or heading out for a night out on the town. 

Ingredients

• Ice

• 1–2 shots of Tito’s Vodka

• Half a bottle of JOE TEA Half Lemonade Half Lemon Tea

• A splash of plain seltzer (preferably Polar Original)

• A slice of lime

• A sativa joint (optional)

For best results, pair with “Dozen Roses” by Thomas Dollbaum.

– Taylor Grimes

2009 Four Loko

This summer, if you want to know the feeling of high-voltage electricity pulsating through your entire body, there’s only one solution… the FDA-banned version of Four Loko from 2009. It’s a drink so powerful that in just one night of consuming this toxic beverage, you could experience the highest of highs, like levitating in the middle of a crowded street, but it could also lead to you being helped on a gurney headed to your nearest CPR machine. The only hindrance you might incur is the time travel part, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m sure with the correct equipment, that won’t be a problem for you.

Ingredients

• 1981 DeLorean DMC

• Flux Capacitor

• Liquid Nitrate

• CPR Machine 

For best results, pair with “Sikamikanico” by Red Hot Chili Peppers.

– David Williams

The Nancy

The Little Apple – Manhattan, Kansas – is situated at the edge of the Flint Hills, has one of the top agricultural universities in the country, and provides (almost) all of the fixin’s of the big city with all of the charm of a small town. The best part of this little city is easily Aggieville, a short drag of college bars, where you can find the “Nancy” offered year-round at Rock-A Belly Deli, Taco Lucha, and So Long Saloon. Always available, always refreshing, and—most importantly—always cheap. 

Ingredients

• 20 oz plastic diner cup

• 50% cheap light beer (Old Milwaukee is traditional)

• 50% canned pineapple juice

Variations include: Pirate Nancy (add 1 oz rum), Dirty Nancy (1 oz vodka), Whiskey Tango Nancy (1 oz whiskey), Fancy Nancy (1 oz Crown), or, if you dare, a Long Island Nancy.

For best results, pair with “Hey Jealousy” by The Gin Blossoms or this cover by The Ergs.

– Braden Allmond

The (Extra) Dirty Beertini

Illustration by Amanda Deering

Much like the average yacht rock tune, a Beertini can be appropriately enjoyed at both your local dive bar or any country club wedding reception. This Midwestern concoction is what it feels like to indulge in simplicity. You can adjust the brine to your liking, but I prefer mine extra dirty. The adventurous yacht-rocker might even try subbing olive juice out for pickle juice. No matter your preference, there’s a beer-brine combination out there for everyone, so go experiment and then kick back this summer with your very own Beertini.

Ingredients

• Your favorite light beer

• A splash of olive brine

• Garnish with olives or a pickle spear

For best results, pair with “What a Fool Believes” by The Doobie Brothers, or your yacht rock artist of choice.

– Annie Watson

Change of Address

Illustration by Amanda Deering

I am the lightest of lightweights and therefore appreciate a satisfying mocktail. The unusual and intriguingly delicious Change of Address is my favorite mocktail of all time; both simple and impressive. It’s a great twist on plain cola with a solid balance of sweet, spice, and umami. This specific recipe is by Eric Nelson, sourced from the wonderful cookbook Good Drinks by Julia Bainbridge.

Ingredients

• 0.75 oz fresh lemon juice

• 0.75 oz maple syrup

• 1 tsp soy sauce

• 3 oz Coca-Cola (or any cola really – I like the Vintage Cola Olipop)

• Freshly grated cinnamon, for garnish

Combine the lemon juice, maple syrup, and soy sauce in a cocktail shaker. Fill with ice, seal the shaker, and shake for about 3 seconds to combine. Add the Coca-Cola, then double-strain into a Collins glass filled with crushed ice. To serve, grate cinnamon over the top.

For best results, pair with “What Is Left To Say (ft. The Lemon Twigs)” by Thundercat and a really good cheeseburger.

– Britta Joseph

Sun Tea 

Illustration by Amanda Deering

The one constant in my childhood was a huge glass jar on the porch, filled with Lipton tea bags and tap water, brewing in the afternoon sun. Sun tea (or porch tea, as my mom called it) is a Southern staple– easy to make and hits harder than a freight train on a hot summer day. 

Ingredients

• 1–2 quart glass container with a tight lid (no plastic, I’ve seen it melt, I swear) 

• 4–6 Lipton tea bags (you could probably use better tea here, but it’s rough out here)

• Water

• Ice

• Sugar, honey, or a simple syrup, if you need a lil sweetness in your life 

For best results, let it steep for 3–5 hours, but no longer to avoid any bacteria growth. And refrigerate immediately! 

Pair it with some John Fahey, Bill Callahan, or whatever artist makes you feel like you and the sun are taking a well-deserved break together after a long, sunny day.  

– Nickolas Sackett 

Emerald Effervescence 

Illustration by Amanda Deering

Despite my affinity for the alcoholic libation, I’m tapping in to help round out the n/a squad for my summer refresher. I recently started working at a coffee shop again, and nothing is keeping me functional during my humid industry shifts like the matcha tonic. Matcha has had quite the uptick in popularity in recent years and, while mainly accompanying one’s milk of choice or dusting whatever the hot confectionery craze currently is, there’s something about the light, bubbly, sharp combination of matcha and tonic that I cannot get enough of whenever I’m looking to cool down while I caffeinate. 

Ingredients:

• 3g matcha + 2 oz boiling water

• 20–30 g syrup of your choice

• Lemonade (optional) 

• Tonic of choice (Fever-Tree or craft preferred)

• Crushed or nugget ice

Add your syrup to your vessel of choice – I’ve been using the homemade grenadine we have at my coffee shop, and it’s next level. Fill your chosen vessel with ice and tonic (maybe a little lemonade if you’re looking to add even more depth), while making sure to give enough room for your matcha on top. Whisk your matcha and water together until light and frothy with the traditional bamboo whisk, automatic frother, or whatever gets the job done, then top off the concoction. Appreciate the layers you’ve created, take a couple pictures for posterity, and give the beverage a gentle, purposeful stir to incorporate the layers. 

Best enjoyed with “Quench (ft. pulses.)” by Cheem or any unapologetically fun and snappy song that makes you feel like a kid on a hot summer day again. 

– Ciara Rhiannon

Mai Tai

Here is the grand imposter of the cocktail world. A drink so simple, so perfect, that the trash tiki forces that be can’t help but add a whole host of fuck-it-up ingredients. If it’s blue, it ain’t a Mai Tai. If there’s pineapple juice, it ain’t a Mai Tai. If there’s grenadine, then pack it up and go home. Basically, it’s a rum margarita with orgeat, an almondish syrup that elevates this drink to the sublime. The initial concept behind tiki was to create a vacation experience for the post-war patrons of the 50s who couldn’t afford to fly to Fiji. For your purposes, ditch the queasy Polynesian exoticism and make this drink when you need a little escape. 

Ingredients

• 2 oz rum (I prefer a funky & strong Jamaican rum like Smith & Cross)

• ½ oz orange curacao

• ¾ oz freshly-squeezed lime juice

• ¼ oz orgeat (I will allow you to sub amaretto if you can’t find it)

• ½ oz simple syrup

Shake with cubed ice, strain, and pour over crushed ice; garnish with mint. 

For best results, pair with “Miami - Live at Café Carlyle” by Hamilton Leithauser (covering Randy Newman)

– Joshua Sullivan

Something Similar

Illustration by Amanda Deering

A cocktail as prickly as the song it’s based on, Something Similar seeks to take the familiar tastes of the New York Sour and distort them until there’s something both unexpected and surprisingly familiar, much like the music of The Mercury Tree, who take the trappings of math rock, post-metal and progressive metal, mix them with microtonality, and spit them out as something a little weird, but undeniably delightful. The color of the Empress gin and red wine float reflect the colors of the album art for Self Similar, the record “Dreamwalking” is taken from.

Ingredients

• 2 oz Empress gin

• 1 oz lemon juice

• ½ oz prickly pear syrup

• ½ oz tamarind syrup

• Shake with ice

• Pour over a rock

• Float dry red wine

For best results, pair with “Dreamwalking” by The Mercury Tree.

– Noëlle and Yael Midnight

The Breakfast Red Bull

Have a Red Bull for breakfast. Certainly you won’t regret drinking an entire Red Bull for breakfast.

Ingredients

• 1 can of Red Bull (any size, any flavor)

• Crippling debt

• Planet Fitness Guest Pass

For best results, pair with “Fucking Hostile” by Pantera.

– Logan Archer Mounts

Aperol Spritz

Hey guys, I am pretty drunk in London right now and forgot about the deadline for this. Typing on my phone. So my drink is an Aperol Spritz. Ever heard of it? I have had three today, and they rock.  

Ingredients

• ONE BIG GLASS

• Ice

• Fill half of that ice glass with Aperol. On the back of the Aperol bottle it tells you the recipe. That’s wrong, and I am right. 

• Bad prosecco. It has to be bad. Fill like ¼ of the rest of the glass. 

• Club soda. Fill the rest of the glass. I actually like Topo Chico the most here #hack. 

Listen to “Rock Music” by Charli xcx, the Queen of Aperol. Also, while I am on my soapbox, the drink of 2028 will be the Sarti Spritz. It’s coming to America, I promise. It’s hot pink. Okay, love you, bye.

– Caro Alt

Fell In Love With a Guac: Making Jack White’s Guacamole Recipe

A couple of months ago, emo band Michael Cera Palin made a jokey post about Pavement's hospitality rider on Twitter, and the internet rightfully couldn’t put it down. Between the quantity and the specificity of the items listed, the jokes practically wrote themselves. “forty-eight cold bottles of premium domestic beer,” hell yeah, brother. A couple of entries later, they list “two bottles of premium red wine” with a parenthetical that specifies “(nothing under $10.00 retail, PLEASE).” These guys know their stuff. 

Something else I love about Pavement’s rider is that there’s an abundance of emphasis, with some words in bold and others in ALL CAPS, lending the whole list a sort of manic Christopher Walken tone. You can practically envision the band members bouncing ideas off each other as they had a stoned brainstorm, throwing “5 cups assorted yogurt” next to “one jar chunky natural peanut butter.” The whole document is a rich text that you could spend hours parsing through and picking out individually hilarious items. Spicy V8? Why? “Authentic” pita bread? What’s the alternative? Four nine-volt batteries (Energizer)? I guess it’s nice to know where their brand affinity lies.

cannot stop thinking about Pavement's hospitality rider pic.twitter.com/P1bXxQTaV1

— Michael Cera Palin (@mcp_emo) March 12, 2024

This came hot on the heels of a wider discussion about how bands eat on tour, sparked by a snippy comment leveled at indie rockers Thank You, I’m Sorry. For days on end, internet commentators and armchair analysts filled my feed with criticisms, jokes, and accusations, all levied at bands with less than 100k monthly listeners on Spotify. The whole thing reeked of the (surprisingly pervasive) anti-artist stance that musicians should expect to be miserable on the road if they expect to break even on a tour.

However, one good thing to come from this was a rider posted by Charly Bliss containing Jack White’s tour rider. The list even starts out funny, with its first entry being “6 x cans of  Coke Zero.” Okay, skinnyyyy. The second entry moves from beverages to food as they ask for “1 dozen chicken wings” with a fun note specifying “(buffalo, teriyaki, surprise us).” Alright, these guys know how to have fun. One line later, we get to the main event, “1 bowl FRESH HOME-MADE GUACAMOLE,” with a note that there’s a recipe below. The recipe, which I’ll transcribe here in full, is a seven-ingredient, multi-step process that I can only imagine a put-upon venue employee begrudgingly whipping up. I knew I had to try it. 

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Jack White's Guacamole Recipe

Ingredients

• 8 x large, ripe Haas avocados (cut in half the long way, remove the pit–SAVE THE PITS THOUGH–, and dice into large cubes with a butter knife. 3 or 4 slits down, 3 or 4 across. You’ll scoop out the chunks with a spoon, careful to maintain the avocado in fairly large chunks. 

• 4 x vine-ripened tomatoes (diced)

• ½ yellow onion (finely chopped)

• 1 x full bunch cilantro (chopped)

• 4 x Serrano peppers (de-veined and chopped)

• 1 x lime

• Salt & pepper to taste

Steps

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky. Once properly mixed and tested, add the pits into the guacamole and even out the top with a spoon or spatula. Add ½ lime to the top layer so you cover most of the surface with the juice. (The pits and lime will keep it from browning prematurely.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until served. Please don’t make it too early before it’s served. We’d love to have it around 5 pm.

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Sunday, May 26th, 2024.

It’s Memorial Day weekend, and I have four days off work. Summer is right around the corner, and love is in the air… wait, that’s just a combination of Tecate and tequila. It’s already been hot enough in North Carolina that it’s felt like summer to my Pacific Northwest ass for months; even still, I’m not one to look a gift horse (long weekend) in the mouth. After a few days of kicking back and celebrating, spirits were high, and I was getting tired of BBQ food, so I decided it was finally time to pull the trigger on Jack White’s Guacamole Recipe. 

My girlfriend and I hit up our local Harris Teeter to acquire all the fresh produce necessary to feed the man who wrote “Seven Nation Army.” Turns out eight Haas avocados are more expensive than I expected. As I was staring down the 30-ish dollar total, my girlfriend joked, “This is why Millennials will never be homeowners,” and I couldn’t disagree. 

It also turns out that eight Haas avocados make a lot of guacamole. I realized this as I was rinsing the tomatoes and peppers in the sink and looked over to see my girlfriend cutting each avocado in half, seemingly doubling the amount instantaneously. She suggested halving the recipe at one point, but I was determined to make this guac in Jack White’s image, to a tee, exactly as he instructed on the rider. I would have nothing less than perfection.

Peep the technique

Getting there...

Colorful food is good food

Save the pits!!

Believe it or not, I’ve actually written my fair share of recipes for my job. I don’t talk about my profession here often, but it’s wild how much of 2020 and 2021 I spent wordsmithing recipes for Starbucks while everyone was trapped at home and craving their cafe fix. If you ever wanted to know how to make a Cereal Milk Coffee or a Caffè Mocha, I got you. As such, I feel like I am uniquely qualified to comment on this recipe. 

As we dug into the instructions, this mostly seemed like prep, which was a relief. Whenever a recipe says, “Mix all ingredients in a large bowl,” it’s like skipping straight to the fun part. So we got cleaning and cutting and started dumping everything into a large bowl. 

In terms of the actual recipe and instructions, it’s entertaining how much personality comes through the writing here. The line “SAVE THE PITS THOUGH,” typed in all-caps, is very urgent and funny. That phrase became a bit of a verbal tick as we were prepping the guac, akin to “save the whales” or a motto that an armpit fetishist would champion. Elsewhere, specifying to slice the avocado in “3 or 4 slits” seems like a funny detail, though it seems to be in service of consistency. The band specifies at multiple points that “We want it chunky,” which reads pretty sassy, and I have no choice but to respect it.

this diva pic.twitter.com/9KwiJOjPbL

— distopian dream girl (@grace_roso) May 26, 2024

I deveined the serrano peppers, diced the tomatoes, and quickly started to note the mounting pounds of guacamole filling up our bowl. I asked my girlfriend to invite some friends over because I could quickly tell that we would not make so much as a dent in this guacamole if it were just the two of us. I did the same, and we soon had a group of six ready to dig into Jack White’s recipe.

The final touch was “salt & pepper to taste,” to which my girlfriend questioned, “to who’s taste?” and quickly decided that the answer was Jack White himself. We tried our best to channel our inner pale Detroiter, imagining what the palate of the man who wrote Blunderbuss could possibly entail. We salted, peppered, and made a round of margs to accompany the main event. We set everything on the table and dug in.

So, at this point, I bet you’re wondering how it was. What did Jack White’s Guacamole taste like? Turns out… kinda bland. We were eating with a group of people mainly from the south, but even to my Pacific Northwestern ass, the guac tasted pretty unremarkable. If I’m making guac, I usually use Jalapeno peppers, so the serranos were a nice twist but not enough. 

Ultimately, the group deemed the guac “easy to fix,” and we improvised a bit by adding some more lime juice, additional salt, and four or five cloves of chopped-up garlic. We wondered why this recipe didn’t call for any garlic at all, which feels like a pretty standard ingredient for most guacs, and collectively agreed that Jack White is not beating the vampire allegations. After incorporating all of those additions, we were cooking with gas and everyone happily chowed down on our new and improved Jack White Guac. 

It felt a little bad to permute Mr. White’s recipe in such a direct way; after all, you wouldn’t go in and add another guitar to “Salute Your Solution,” would you? But the way I see it, we technically made it faithfully first before perverting it into something that tasted better, so I felt like we still achieved our initial goal.

All in all, Jack White’s Guacamole was a hit once we added a bit more zap to it. The recipe makes a lot, but it’s also for a touring group of musicians, so that makes sense. Does his culinary instincts match up to his musical brilliance? Not quite, but that’s okay; I’ll take Elephant over a middle-of-the-road guacamole any day.

Swim Into The Soup's Ultimate Soup Ranking

In one month Swim Into The Sound will celebrate its fifth anniversary, and it honestly feels like it’s time for a refresh. Like, sure, music is cool, but I think that staying flexible and true to myself is more important than anything. With that in mind, I’m excited to announce that I’m going to pivot this site to reflect my real passion: soup.

That’s right folks, soup. I love soup. It’s the most versatile food. It comes in so many different flavors and consistencies, there’s honestly something for everyone. As our inaugural piece of soup-related content, I’m proud to present Swim Into The Soup’s Ultimate Soup Ranking: the definitive and inarguable list of the best soups ordered from worst to best. I hope you enjoy this innovative new content and future direction of the site. I appreciate your understanding and continued support.  

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5 | Cream of Mushroom Soup

Look, I don’t really mind the taste of mushroom, but it’s the consistency of the vegetable that I can’t stand. If I’m being objective, I recognize that Cream of Mushroom Soup isn’t the worst, it’s just not for me. 

4 | Clam Chowder

I know what you’re thinking ‘Taylor, chowder isn’t a soup!’ well, that’s where you’re wrong, bucko. Typically I’m not a big fan of seafood, but as someone who grew up close to the coast for their entire childhood, I have a soft spot in my heart for a good, chunky Clam Chowder.

3 | Chicken Noodle Soup

Chicken Noodle Soup is a true OG in the soup game. It’s an undeniable classic and for a good reason. Beloved by children, the elderly, and sick people alike, there’s absolutely no argument you can make against Chicken Noodle Soup without looking like a heartless lunatic. Truly a cornerstone of the Soup World.

2 | Chicken Tortilla Soup

Sometimes you’re looking for a bit more zest, and that’s precisely where Chicken Tortilla Soup comes in. There are few things more satisfying than a piping hot bowl of Chicken Tortilla Soup with the perfect balance of beans, meat, and soup topped off with a pinch of shredded cheese and an avocado slice. Chicken Tortilla is admittedly a bit more exotic (and thus may not be for everyone), but at the end of the day, it’s hard to deny.

1 | Tomato Soup

Simple, hearty, tasty, and classic. Tomato Soup is THAT soup. It has range; it can be made perfectly light and soupy or thick as a bisque. It has versatility; you can pair it with a salad, naan, or the classic saltine, the possibilities are literally endless. And don’t even get me started about dipping a slice of grilled cheese in it. That’s what heaven is. When it all comes together, tomato soup is a hearty, humble, and flexible soup that has worked hard to earn its spot as the king of soup.

Issa Grocery List: Every Reference to Food on 21 Savage's Issa Album

21 Savage is a man of few words, even fewer topics. Like most mainstream rappers in 2017, his songs tend to revolve around the modern day rapper’s delight: money, drugs, jewelry, and women. Of course, the only way to talk about these subjects with any sort of uniqueness is to discuss them in in a Tamarian-like language of punchlines and similes.  

On his latest release Issa Album 21 Savage uses food as a common reference point for many of these tropes. For a guy that makes “murder music,” he seems to have an affinity for common grocery store items to the point where it’s almost jarring. Issa a fantastically-produced album that’s full of bangers and exciting to listen to, but these lines stuck out like a sore thumb on first listen. I’ve compiled every food reference on the album here for your enjoyment.

#1

For those unaware, “cookie” refers to marijuana. A quality play on words and subversion of expectations by 21 here.

#2

Despite some criticism that Pringles aren’t produced or sold individually, this line acts as more of a reference to this common “dad joke” rhyme.

#3

An aggressive allusion to the fact that 21 Savage will unflinchingly shoot you in the head. Either that, or he’s a cartoonish high school bully dumping the nerd’s sodium-laden lunch in the cafeteria.

#4

A crass reference to fellatio. While I imagine “gumbo” is meant to be a clever reference to meat, I would personally find a comparison between my genitalia and the southern comfort food less than flattering.

#5

21 Savage is known for being a true street rapper with a troubled past. In contrast to many of his peers in the genre, his personality stems from experience while others tend to merely put up a facade of savagery.

#6

In one of the more braggadocious food-related similes on the record, 21 compares his style and essence to the freshest garnish in the kitchen: mint.

#7

A surprisingly-veiled and localized lyric referencing an Atlanta-based prison where 21 (presumably) consumed a great number of meals consisting of soup.

#8

I’m not even sure what this one means.

#9

A shoutout to this bakeware brand whose glassware is commonly used in cooking crack cocaine (or wrapping up leftovers.)

Thanks for reading

Tims v Lays

I may not have many skills in life, but one thing I have honed over my 23 years of existence is a delicate palate for PB&J sandwiches. They’re one of the only things I know inside and out. One of the few things I truly understand. By proxy, I’ve also become dangerously knowledgeable about potato chips. I know the history, I know the facts, I can guess the nutritional information in a serving size down to 20 kcals. As a result, I can say with 100% certainty that Tim’s Cascade Style Potato Chips are objectively the pinnacle of the potato chip art form, and I will fight anyone that says otherwise. Reasons why they are good:

1. They salty as fuck

2. They crunchy as hell

3. They’re thick as shit

4. They taste really really good

You could put a bowl of Tim’s out at a motherfucking barbecue on the fourth of July and no one would bat an eye, that’s how good they are. And I know what you’re thinking in your whiny little voice “but Taylor, what about Kettle Brand Potato Chips?” To that, I say SHUT THE FUCK UP. Kettle Chips fell the fuck off. Aside from Sea Salt and Salt & Pepper they are the chip embodiment of trying too hard. Maple and Bacon? Gimmie a fucking break. They tried too hard to diversify and diluted their entire brand in the process. You know how many SKU’s Tims has? Fucking FOUR: Original, Sea Salt, Sour Cream, and Jalapeño. Stick with what you know guys, don’t try to put bacon in my potato chip.

As a quick aside, you may have noticed that I’m not talking about anything besides kettle chips, and that’s because I’m a chip racist. Everything besides kettle chips are less than. Lays are cheap, Pringles are a joke, and Cheetos are for children. So in case you’re wondering when I’ll bring up your “favorite chip” I won’t and you’re wrong.

Now onto the main event: within the last five years, big dog Lays had swung their weight around and elbowed their way into the Kettle game providing a much-needed shake-up to the industry. Since 2011 they’ve been doing surprisingly serviceable work, walking a fine line between just enough flavor variations and just the right quality. As a mega-corporation they obviously fall prey to many of the same pitfalls as Kettle, trying to diversify and even encouraging fans to think of wacky flavors but luckily their Kettle line has remained relatively pure. In 2014 Lays released a lattice cut variety within their Kettle Chip line and betrayed any bit of faith I had in them up until that point.

These chips are awful. There’s so much wasted potential: the lattice cut represents an ideal delivery system, allowing for salt and flavoring to sneak between the cracks and into the holes of the chip. It could have been perfect, but instead, we got an overly-crunchy and under-salted piece of absolute fuckshit. These chips are like eating sandpaper. Stiff sandpaper. It’s like having your mouth crammed full of tree bark and being told it’s birthday cake. They shred the inside of your mouth and don’t even reward you for your food-inflicted mutilation. It would almost be worth it if (after bearing through the horrific chewing experience) you were hit with a wave of salty goodness…or even flavor, but there is none to speak of. And sure, Tims are crunchy, but at least they don’t hurt to eat. These Lays commit the worst sin by being unpleasant to eat and unsatisfying to taste.

Lattice cut Lays are an abomination. They have slandered the good name of the kettle chip category and don’t even deserve to be called a snack food. These chips aren’t worth the recycled plastic they’re packaged in. They have no respect for the potato chip game. If Lays think that they can just waltz into this category and shit out whatever their team comes up with, THINK AGAIN. I won’t stand for this, and I won’t go down without a fight. Kettle chips are America’s pastime, and I won’t let you slander their good name. This is about more than chips, this is about freedom. About purity. Tim’s is fighting for wholesomeness, they stand for something. Stand for something, Lays. Make the world a better place. Don’t take the easy way out.